Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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