Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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