I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
