I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
You left your phone here
Wait...
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