Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
