you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
