did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
