Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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