my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
