why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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