Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
