i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
