The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
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