obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
