Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
