Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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