you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
