that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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