He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
