Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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