I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Randomize
