did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
