she woke up with a sticky ear
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
