Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
