i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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