I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
