Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
