we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
