We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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