his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
