SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
