Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
