my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
