Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
