she woke up with a sticky ear
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
