i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
