worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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