If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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