Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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