No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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