so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
