Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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