Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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