Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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