Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
