I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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