how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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