Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
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