Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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