Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
